I think I’ve hit an all time low — listening to Abba now. Nah — I dig Abba…..they can be good when the mood strikes. But I had an interesting conversation with my cousin today. She subconsciously confessed that my mom and her were living vicariously through me. She said she wished she were my age and had all this time to create the perfect and ideal career. A career she says she decided to put aside in order to start a family with her husband. How awful is that? She said when she was in her 20s — like me — she was so dead set on trying to get married and start a family. Now, at the age of 45, she rather bypass that and continued on with establishing a successful career. “Even if it means no more Jane or Ann?” I said. “I love them so much and my husband — but yes” she said. Which startled me. And she believes my mom feels the same as well. I didn’t know how to take that. I mean here I am — mid 20s (25) — not married……and I want to find that someone I can be with for the rest of my life. But if being with that person for the rest of my life is going to cause me added stress, pain, and pressure — what the f-ck is all “this” for??!! See this is the shit that kills me. When you are in your 20s, you are on that path to establish a career that won’t inevitably make you ill and find that special person to share the journey. Say you are lucky enough to begin a somewhat palatable career. Hell say — you are twice lucky and you find that one human being you can sensibly tolerate and perhaps even marry. You marry, start the ol’ family thing — children, dog, house — the whole lot. You hit your mid 30s — realize you are almost 40 and unsatisfied with life….your career….your marriage (somewhat) and your children. More time passes – you are about to hit 50 in a few years — your kids are in their young to mid teens and you feel completely drained. Your career is mediocre and you hate it — your marriage is somewhat nice….not great. Now, you are in your mid 50s — the kids have gone away to college. Your husband is looking to retire and settle down and your career (or what is left of it) sucks. So much of your life has passed — you are in your 60s and what has happened? Absolutely f–king nothing!!!!!!!!! This has got to be THE most depressing thing of all. Its shit like this that makes me just want to live a life filled with innocuous sex and a killer career. Aye there’s the rub.

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