Today seemed to be the longest day EVER. You might be thinking — well there was a time change over the weekend. I woke up this morning to the ear-piercing sound of my cell phone alarm – set wretchedly to go off at 6am and 7am — with 10 minute snooze intervals. This morning I sat in bed — contemplating on the pros and cons of dutifully going to work.
Maintain vacation/personal/sick time days
(that’s all I can think of – sorry)
Going to work
Having to deal with moronic individuals
Trapped for approximately 8 hours — like a prisoner. (maybe that’s harsh — but its certainly close)
Work on projects that mean nothing and motivate no inspiration
Then I thought in two more months, I’ll be turning that pinnacle corner of true adulthood — I’ll be tunring 30. Yes, the big 3-0 as most people seem to call it which seems to be often followed by some sort of god-awful laughter. As if the number itself changes the very force….the very physical property of the flesh that has perched atop my body for the last 29 years. Add to the misery of this upcoming birthday such societal accomplishments to which I have yet to experience: marriage, pregnancy, child-rearing. If it involves the production of a family in any possible manner — I haven’t touched it. I’m like a leper — ostracized from the 20-something happy-go-lucky, party-goers and shunned by 20/30-something friends with budding families. I’m unacceptable in this limbo state of life. I’m unaccetpable and confused.
I’ve tried not to think about it for the past year. And as my impending birthday approaches with increased speed — I become more and more saddened. More jaded — as if my prior concerns and reservations weren’t enough to deal with. I am confronted with this looming turning point. I am disenchanted with the outcome of my life. At the very same age, my mom had been married for a good amount of years — about to give birth to yours truly. I know things were different with her generation. People married younger and bore children younger.
I try not to make comparisons — and recognize that all people go through life differently. There’s always those old adages — the grass is always greener on the other side, look on the brighter side of life…..yada yada yada. But I can’t help but observe and feel that somehow this life journey of mine seems to be more arduous then my counterparts. More exhausting.
I have yet to begin — and feel like I’ve already made the voyage. When will I be able to retire.